Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Well, welcome back, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of the Speak Your Power Now podcast. I am your host, Cheryl Clark, and like I always say, I just stopped. I'm just a girl from the Bronx who learned a couple of tools along the way, and I'm here to share them with you. So come on, if it's your first time here, thank you so much for joining us. And if you are returning, buckle your seatbelts, because we are going to give you your tools that you need for communicating with confidence, moving in that space where you are. The secret sauce is your communication. Well, before we get started, I like to ground things. Do our declaration and I'll speak your Power now. Declaration? So take a moment and come with me. I want you to begin to first get in a comfortable seating position or lying down, have your body open, and I want you to close your eyes and repeat silently to yourself after me.
[00:00:58] First, take a long, slow, deep breath into the nostrils and exhale it out the Speak Your Power Now Declaration.
[00:01:10] Today I reclaim my power of purpose.
[00:01:14] Today I declare that I have unshakable faith and confidence in my uniqueness. Today I declare that I will not live in fear, but with power, love, and a sound mind. Today I declare that I always communicate with words to empower myself and others.
[00:01:38] Today I declare to always honor myself by living in the present and living powerfully in each moment. Well, I hope that helped you. Amen. And I'll share with to you on today. So let's dive right into it. I've been in this framework of emotional intelligence, and for those who don't know, I'm going for my doctorate degree, and I am really all about emotional intelligence. I wanted to know more about it, this emotional intelligence. I told you you get tools when you come here. So I learned about emotional intelligence a while back, and I wanted to share that with you. Some may call it EQ, some may call it EI. Whichever it is, it's emotional intelligence. And go back to the other podcast where we talked about emotional intelligence and parenting in the workplace. We talked about what emotional intelligence is. It will be helpful to go ahead and listen back. And if you did listen to it before, go get a refresher, because guess what? We're coming into dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. During this time of, yes, I did my own little my own little dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Maybe they put it in there. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
[00:03:01] Yes, the holiday season.
[00:03:04] The holiday season.
[00:03:06] Sometimes, yes, it's joy celebration, but it can also bring its fair share of challenges, especially when coming to nurturing and maintaining family and friendships. I don't know how many of us have navigated the complexities of our emotions and expectations.
[00:03:35] So this is what we're going to dive in today, because emotional intelligence, the importance of emotional intelligence during this time because so many of us are going to be visiting homes. So many of us are going to have the friendship going to Turkey, I think they call it, with it friends giving. Yeah, they have a friends giving. So you go hop to hop. I know my son, he hops from house to hop. Friends here, families here, aunties here. He just hops. So I'm going to tell my personal little thing, my personal little story. I'm a mom of six, and they are all young adults now. And we used to, growing up, used to be at Grandma and Grannetti's house. That was the hub. Everybody would come, my aunts, my uncles, my cousins. We were hub there. And now that my grandparents have transitioned, I seem to have taken on my mom and I have taken on the space that people come to the house where we come. And I have a good girlfriend, she usually brings her family over, and then we kind of like hub at either my house or her house. And then the families have one time there.
[00:04:45] But usually either one of my kids is not talking to each other because usually I get a Zoom meeting call and we'll say who's bringing what or who's cooking what or Christmas call. So when they get older, maybe we do a Secret Santa or whatever we're going to do. But it's just a lot of emotions on these calls, right? And for good reason or not good reasons, but it's because we're triggered in the moment somebody says something or someone is not doing something or whatever the case may be, or maybe the loss of someone not being there anymore. It's a myriad of different things that will happen during this time frame. So I'm here to share my little bit of tools that I have, maybe as a psychotherapist, as a mom, as a woman, as a mother. All these hats that I wear, I'm just here to share them with you, right? So let's kick back and have a conversation about what I learned about EQ or EI, however you want to talk about it. And I want you to see how you can now put this in the space when now you're navigating these different areas of your life. During these holiday seasons. Some of us have an I celebrate. I do have Thanksgiving, I do have Christmas and Kwanza around my house, but maintaining what I used to expect. And I'm going to talk about expectations too, and I'm going to explore a little bit about it. So let's talk a little bit about the importance of EQ in friendships and family structures. Because when we explore this, I want you to look how your understanding of managing your own emotions. That's all it really means. It means that how, at this point, that I can begin to explore a conversation with someone and have active listening, have deep understanding for them. And I know what they said to me last week or when I was ten.
[00:06:47] And how do you begin to look and have be authentic in that conversation when you know you probably a little tick with them and it could not be about something that's happening right then and there. But it's understanding how the ability to recognize and manage yourself effectively, manage how you are going to manage your own emotions with others, how when someone told you that they don't talk to me no more, that happens or I don't want to talk to you no more. You got to be aware of how can I eat Thanksgiving dinner? Because they are talking to mom and dad. So those thoughts go through your head and the behaviors when you have that cousin that always brings up I'm seeing a lot of stuff on social media of different family members that do different things in the space that you're just like the behavior sometimes is just like, okay, here we go again, what's going to happen? So navigating those nuances, but sometimes we tolerate it because grandma haven't seen them in a while. We haven't seen this person in a while. So moving through these avenues, having a healthy part of how do you now manage your own self, that means including the emotional experiences that you go through the roller coaster, including joy. You may be happy you haven't seen somebody in a long time, but then the sadness come because that person that's usually at the helm of the dinner table is no longer going to be there. How about the stress? Preparing the meal, preparing the day, getting the house ready, all those frustrations, maybe money. There's a lot of things that come along with this area of the holiday season. So your emotional intelligence allows you to empathize first with yourself and with your friends and families. Because going from a space of understanding or going through it with genuine support is strength in itself because you can now do it with this clause on it. But I want you to begin to look and see how you can do it with a sense of understanding and being true to yourself, authentically true to yourself, what you're going to do and what you're not going to do. Because no is a full sentence. You put a period on it, it's a complete sentence.
[00:09:02] So having effective communication with your own self plays a powerful role here. So here at Speak Your Power now, I talk a lot about effective communication because I think that's the secret sauce to anything. So being able to express yourself and your thoughts clearly and listen actively to people, that's important.
[00:09:25] That's how you get a clearing or opening for communication. The foundation of any healthy relationship is that you're being able to be self expressed. And I think a lot of times with us that we struggle and I deal with this with women as well when we wear so many hats and even in the workplace we tend to maybe lose our voice and may not be able to express ourselves the way we want. Or maybe other people, their voices feel like they're taken away. So in order for us to do that, you got to have a foundation of pausing in the moment, moving through the conversation, actively listening. Because sometimes we hear stuff that people didn't really say but you think they said that. So you got to really actively listen because you may be triggered at the moment.
[00:10:18] Also. Conflict resolution is also a big thing because with our emotions come in, sometimes we're not equipped. So having the skills to have the skills to manage your emotions is important. So resolving conflict constructively, sometimes you need other people to help you. Because I haven't had a Thanksgiving or Christmas that there was a disagreement or argument.
[00:10:47] I just haven't had it. Maybe you have, but there was always usually a disagreement or an argument. Last year, I think it was with my girls, there was a disagreement with something, with eggnog. It could be something silly as that, something simple as that. I thought you said this, I thought you said that it's enough eggnog for everyone. But it wasn't about the eggnog, it just wasn't about the eggnog. She was angry about something else but that was brought into the space and then it became about the eggnog, but it really wasn't.
[00:11:18] And then they start talking to each other and then you have to be able to be in that space as a mom or as an aunt, as an uncle, as a cousin. And you want everybody to be together but sometimes it's maybe not going to happen. So you have to have the willingness to find a common ground. Put your conflict on the side for a moment because that will impact the mood of the room too. Being self aware, understanding your own emotions, how it influences you. So when you're going to go to a space, how long you're going to stay there, that's important too. If you opted not to go out I remember a season that my daughter opted not to come and I was a little hurt. But it wasn't that she wasn't coming because of me, it was because of other things happening and I had to understand where she was and be self aware that it wasn't about me and manage my response. I had to manage my response, be aware of my response to her because that was very vital. I had to support her in what she decided to do. So we sent her food and stuff like that and just to recognize that we understand where you are and to support her where she is emotionally. And sometimes you got to know that you can bring more harm when you try to fix things. I was known as the fixer, so I brought more harm trying to fix it. And sometimes that's why declaring it is a better space to just let it all play out.
[00:12:52] Remember, sometimes you just got to let it all play out. All right? Then also with your own self. Remember, we're just talking about you trust and being vulnerable. We talked about this before. Healthy relationships develop over time with trust, but you have to have the space of being vulnerable with one another, and emotional intelligence foster that environment. So when you're having friends over, you have in a space of that. Think about the thoughts, because in essence, emotional intelligence is the glue that holds the friendship together, being able to navigate the complexities of the human emotions. So when you communicate and you're communicating effectively, you can resolve conflict. You can move out, genuinely, have got generous support, and you could begin to tap into emotional intelligence because that's the only way you can maintain a positive outlook with your friends and family.
[00:13:53] All right, so these are a couple of things. I'm going to give you six things that you can do right here, right now. Well, actually, five things. I'm going to give you five things that you could do right here, right now. Put it down. Write it down. You know how I give you a little tools. I told you there's a girl from a Bronx wouldn't learn a couple of tools, and I'm here to share them with you. That's it. So here we go. Communicating with empathy. Communicating with empathy. So this looks like anytime you are moving with empathy, that means that you're putting yourself in someone else's shoes. So you're connecting your heart. Communication. You're connecting with the heart. So you are going to look and delve into empathy. Active, listening, communicating. Sometimes things you don't have to say, everything that's on your mind. So discover how you can navigate sensitive conversations.
[00:14:51] And I learned not to butt my nose into other people's argument unless I'm asked because me butting into conversations, it backfires. So when you're moving and communicating with empathy, you ask questions, be an inquiry. Say, hey, do you want my advice? Hey, do you want my opinion before you give it? Don't give an opinion unless they ask for it. I learned this the hard way. My kids like, I NAX you, mom.
[00:15:23] I'm like, oh, I had to learn to hush. I had to learn to be in a space of asking them would they want me to have that opinion. I had to be in a space of they're young adults now. They may not need mom to say everything and guide them. They just need a listening ear opposed to me being a fixer. You got to know who you are, because when you don't know who you are, you can jack up something that they should have walked through themselves and try to figure it out. Listen, you had to work it out. You had to work it out. I remember my mom, I asked her something. She was like, Get a job.
[00:16:05] I was like, okay. And I had to learn how to go get a job and buy my own stuff. I wanted sneakers. I wanted a bag. I had to learn on my own. I had to get it together. Those are the tools. Those are the things. You can't always fix it for them. Second thing, this is big.
[00:16:26] Manage your expectations.
[00:16:31] I cannot tell you the holidays comes, even in regular life, comes to a high expectation. Sometimes these expectations lead to so many disappointments in friends and families. So I can tell you your expectation. This is why I minimize this. I don't expect anybody to bring anything. We assign roles, so there's no expectation. And even if the person is not going to bring it, they agree to say, okay, I'm not going to be able to bring it. They got to let us know. So your expectation oh, they're saying that the person is going to make the macaroni and cheese because they always do it. Did you have a conversation with them? Maybe their budget, you know how much cheese is go to the grocery store. Those prices are out of control, especially if you do it from scratch. How much cheese is come on now. Especially if you use three type of cheese. I know. Auntie Pam. We call it Auntie Pam. She uses, like, three type of cheese.
[00:17:29] And let me tell you, her macaroni cheese is off the chain. But I don't know what her budget is these days. And then depending on how many people is going to be here, how many pans she got to make. So manage your expectations. We just came out of COVID certain things in certain places and certain people, how do they feel? You got to know how to manage that. So your expectations, manage your expectations. Effectively respect the expectations of people. Do you expect them to stay all night? Do you expect them to help clean up? Do you expect them to bring something? What do you expect? Manage your own expectations.
[00:18:09] I'm going to put the invitation out. Am I expecting everybody to say yes?
[00:18:14] Possibly no. Did I used to get on the phone, why are you not coming? What's going on?
[00:18:21] I'll make it on the call and say, if they're not coming and say, hey, what's going on? Just making sure. Oh, well, mom has something else planned to somebody else. Not a problem.
[00:18:30] Not a problem. I hope you could stop by later on. Maybe for Christmas you could stop by and that would be great.
[00:18:38] Especially gift giving. Gift giving. Have a conversation with people. So many people. Budgets are not the same. So put it out there, what's comfortable for everybody else. The quizcriingles or whatever you got going on, the office pools, whatever you got going on with friends and family, get their budget. Don't be making a $50 gift and, you know, they have a $20 or $10 budget.
[00:19:04] Manage your expectations. Don't go out there.
[00:19:09] I watched the Housewives so Housewives of Atlanta, and they were doing Chris Kringle, and somebody gave them a gift that didn't match their Chanel bag. Well, they should have had a conversation about that, because, listen, you giving a Chanel bag and somebody gave you some crackers, you're going to be highly upset.
[00:19:30] You're going to be highly upset. So just manage your expectations.
[00:19:36] Manage what you think that you should get. Manage with the things that you think that should happen, what could happen. And make it an opportunity. And don't make people feel bad. Have empathy. Don't make people feel bad.
[00:19:49] All right? Navigating tough conversations with grace. That's another one. The third one. Navigating with grace. Listen, this is what it looks like. Sometimes tension will amplify, right? Sometimes the revolving door of the same thing may happen. So I say grace. That means sometimes you got to put to preserve the peace, to preserve your spirit and the holiday spirit. Sometimes you got to just, like, chill, separate the corners, do what you need to do. Just navigate with grace. I always start off with a little prayer, sending myself. Maybe we can just say don't choose. And that's the worst thing. Don't choose sides. Be neutral. Be neutral if you can help it, be neutral because it believe me, if you can be neutral. Okay, number four, practicing your own self care. Now, this is not just about I'm not talking about pampering yourself, but I'm saying nurturing your emotional well being. So this looks like if you find yourself triggered in the moment, impacted by what's going on outside of you, that really has nothing to do with you. But, you know, when somebody starts yelling and stuff like that, I have anxiety. So a lot of people that do have anxiety, they don't like a lot of yelling and screaming. I used to be one of yelling, scream, but I don't. I just walk away. Walk away and get somewhere peaceful, get some outside air. Sometimes where I live in the Northern, I will go outside to my deck or outside, get some crisp air, walk away, put some nice music on, do what you need to do. Go get some lavender, whatever. You got to do what works for you. I know music calms me down. I know moving myself away from whatever's happening in there is important.
[00:21:50] All right, last, spread love and joy as much as possible. Share love and joy. All right? And I said about the gifts, I'm not talking about that. What I'm talking about is what you'll express gratitude, express kindness, appreciation. Because when people sometimes people are not told enough how much you mean to them, they really don't know. I'm struggling with Grandma not being here. People really don't know what you're going through. So I just want to express gratitude, a hug, a kiss, and if that person is not going to be there and they told you, give them a call. Love you.
[00:22:33] Because that extends exactly what we're talking about with emotional intelligence. Sometimes it's really not about you winning and it's really about you being able to navigate with confidence that sometimes, and it may not go your way, but sometimes you just got to be with what it is and what it's not. I say that a lot because we have a lot of expectations possibly for our children, our family, and a lot of times they may disappoint. But in my eyes, I feel like if I don't come with a whole bunch of stuff on my plate for people, maybe possible that I can begin to grow with them and grow with them and not say that they have to do something to meet my standard, because my standard may not look like their standard. So sometimes you got to look at the standards that you're moving with. Sometimes you got to begin to see where you are in the space. Sometimes being vulnerable in a space to share some of your stories, being vulnerable in a space where you can be with someone and not just for something, to get something, but just to be with them. People want to be heard.
[00:23:56] So I hope that you enjoyed this podcast and what I mean by enjoy. I hope that you're going to share it. I hope that you're going to use some of these tips and tools. And if you're excited about it, like I am, I want you to join us on our mini platform subscribe. Because emotional intelligence is important, but also the secret sauce to anything is moving effectively with your communication. So I pray that your holiday season is wonderful and beyond and I hope that you are filled with emotional joy. And as we delve in Week to week and emotional Intelligence, we're going to continue on and remember the treasures that you have with your family and friends. Remember the treasures that you have within yourself to connect with others. And as I always say, remember that sometimes your life is well, I'll say this, sometimes is I always say over here. Sometimes your life is defined by one single moment. Let that moment be today. Peace and God bless and I'll see you next time. Bye.
