Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: Well, welcome. Welcome to the Speak your Power now podcast, the show that is dedicated to empowering women through the art of communication. Whether you're looking to enhance your professional presence, build meaningful relationships, or simply embrace your own voice, you're in the right place. We are here to provide you with the resource sources and community you need to thrive. Subscribe now and join us on the Speak your Power now podcast. Empowerment begins with your voice. Well, we are back, we are back. We are back to our second season of the Speak your Power now podcast and I am super excited about it and I'm going to be welcoming a guest shortly. But you know, I'm just a girl from the Bronx that learned a couple of tools along the way and I'm here to share them with you. So I come and I bring you the experts and we handle the topics in the seven domains and we go forth in each week. I may be hosting or I may have a special guest, like on today I have a special guest. She's actually a friend of mine, a colleague. We've been knowing each other for some time. I went to school together, so I'm proud to introduce my friend. Before I get all into it and I get off the rails, I am going to introduce this wonderful human being. She's an incredible Dr. Alicia. I am so excited to have her here. She's a therapist, she's a speaker, she's an author and over 20 years in the field of social services. She has a background in marriage and family therapists, relationships, suicide prevention, domestic violence awareness. She has done a plethora of things. She not only does this, but she empowers and inspire people to be their best selves. She has her own counseling services and she's also written her old book and I'm sure she's going to hear a lot about that also. She has faced major things in her life and she is here to talk about that. She's here to talk about where we're going to find your voice and unlock your voice. And today her topic is relationships and how she began to speak her power now and created a space for herself to begin to move into space in the space of speaking her power now. So I want you to welcome on here today, Dr. Alicia.
Welcome, Dr. Alicia.
[00:02:33] Speaker B: Hi, Cheryl. How are you? Hi everyone. How are you?
[00:02:37] Speaker A: I am fantastic now that you're here. And we're just going to have a conversation today to help and to guide women in know you picked the domain of relationships and I want you to tell us a little bit about introduce yourself your background, your expertise first, and then let us, and we'll get into why you're here.
[00:03:00] Speaker B: Okay? Hello, everyone. Cheryl, thank you so much for the introduction. It is such a blessing and a great opportunity to be here today. So, as Cheryl said, I'm Dr. Alicia Delgado Gavin. I am a psychologist, marriage and family therapist, author, and motivational speaker. I have been working in the social services field for over 20 years, and I started with working in group homes, domestic violence shelters. I worked at a psychiatric center as well as a detention center. And the past few years, during the pandemic, I was working at Rikers Island Correctional Facility, where I was a psychologist for the officers and the staff there, which was a wonderful experience. I worked in a department called the care unit, so we were just on call team. We went into the jails, we went to the homes of the officers during crisis, and simultaneously I worked at Creedmore Psychiatric center, where I worked on an all male inpatient admission ward. And that was intense.
We had people coming in from the street, people coming from detoxing from other hospitals, many people coming from jails. And that was just a nonstop place.
And a little bit during the pandemic, around 2021, 2022, I left both of those jobs, which I loved both of them. But I just wanted to start doing more for myself. So I do my own private practice. I work from home. I do telehealth as well as I teach at Liu post a few days a week. So every semester I teach something different, whether it's genetic counseling, diversity and group counseling, neuropsych, developmental psych, just to name a few of the classes I teach. So that's where I am today, just doing those things.
[00:04:49] Speaker A: Wow. Can you hear the plethora of, first of all, experience and the plethora of her understanding what the psychology world looks like. And what I like is that she has diverse areas in her life. So I love it. I am excited about your journey, so I want to get in, if I may, go into some of the avenues of what brought you to speak your power now and your experience and the perspective that you have on relationships. I know that you have had your own battles in relationships, so I want you to kind of give some guidance of what brings you to speak your power. Now, the podcast is to speak to that area.
[00:05:32] Speaker B: Yes.
So, first I want to say is that we all go through a lot of things in our life, different trauma, different things. And as a young adult and a clinician in the field, we don't realize how that has impacted our life. So just to give a little background. My parents were teen parents when they had me, so the statistics of me being a doctor is less than 1%. I'm a minority. I'm a woman, and my parents were 16 years old. My household, though, I have to say, my parents were wonderful. They gave me so much love and a lot of family. Definitely a village. It was to raise me. It wasn't until my own young adult life, late teens, young adult life, where I started experiencing my old things just for my own decision. So I was in a nine year relationship with someone, and we started out young. We were 16. So it was fun, it was puppy love, it was all of those things. But once I went to college and we moved in together, that's where I started seeing a lot of the toxic behaviors. But at the time, you don't realize that's what it is. And the relationship turned into abuse. So it started out with the psychological, then the verbal, and then it went straight into physical abuse at that time. And I didn't really share it with anyone. I kept it to myself. I was ashamed, I was embarrassed, I was scared. And I always was trying to fix the relationship at such a young age. And I went through this process. I graduated with my bachelor's, and even then working in the field, I knew what I was going through, but I didn't understand the detriment that it was having on me. So when I graduated high school, I got pregnant with my daughter and then my son shortly after. They're a year apart. And the relationship just continued to get worse as I was in school getting my master's, and this person was infidelity. And then the last incident, it happened. My daughter was a year and a half, my son was about seven months old. And this person and I had a horrible physical altercation, and he almost killed me in front of my children.
So in that moment, I knew this was it. Once I was able to leave the apartment, I never looked back. But I did not realize that during that I was having an internal mental breakdown.
I was so busy trying to hold it together, working, going to school, being a mom of a toddler and an infant, that I was just going through so much and holding it all inside.
So during that time, just for my safety and my sanity, I moved back home with my parents. Thankfully, I had a lot of family support. And I then told them what I was really going through because no one really knew. It was something I kept inside. But I felt like at the time, I was starting over. From the beginning, I felt as though I'm back at square one. I'm back at home. But really, that was a stepping stone for me to get to where I needed to be today.
So going through that, shortly after I met my husband, we were friends, but I was still on my healing journey.
So now, at this time, I have my bachelor's, I have two kids. I'm working in the field, but I'm still emotionally broken. So I said, okay, I need to start healing. But I went through this for a reason. And we all know when we go through tests and trials, God has a bigger plan for us. So out of that came tears behind the smile, which is my business, my LLC. And I started writing a book, and I started saying, let me speak to other women and empower other people, and not just women, because men are in unhealthy, abusive relationships as well. But let me share my story because I went through this. Imagine how many other people are going through this. And like I said, I didn't come from a bad home. I have both parents in the house. I did not witness abuse in my home.
I wasn't privy to that. We all talk about the cycle of abuse. So this wasn't something that I had experienced. I just was with someone who, at the time, I thought I was in love with. We were together from a young age, and I stayed in a situation that I should not have, as I thought. So as I went through this journey.
[00:09:50] Speaker A: Can I say something real?
I want to do a point there, because as clinicians, we do look for history. So that's why Dr. Leisha is saying, this wasn't in my home. So we do look, but as clinicians, we go through biological know. We go, and we take the demographics. So this for her. She keeps saying that because it is kind of unusual that she know, say that, okay, this is no history, but it would be imperative that I would go into this because I'm used to being abused or I'm used to seeing the abuse. So she's highlighting something that she had to come to her own insight, that this was not okay. She had to realize that this was not okay. So I wanted to just highlight that because I think that people think that because you saw the abuse, you are now. That is true. And statistics does say that. However, that wasn't Alicia's story. So you can continue.
[00:10:53] Speaker B: Alicia, just want to, you know, thank you, Cheryl, for pointing that point out.
So, yeah, I was going through this healing process while being a mom again, finishing school, working two jobs, and dating my now husband, and just trying to figure it out, trying to figure my life out, trying to get through this and healing in this journey. So at first, I had a lot of anger. I was very angry. And then I became angry with everyone, my family, my friends. So I started to blame. Say, you guys should have known. Why didn't you know I was going through this? Why weren't you here for me?
Although on the back end, I was keeping it from everyone, and then I was angry with myself.
Why did you stay? Why did you do this? Why did you have kids with this person?
And even soon after, I realized my children were supposed to be here because my children saved me. I always think if I hadn't had my children, would I have stayed and kept enduring that? Because my number one reason for me to leave was my kids.
One, I don't want my kids growing up in this environment, and two, I have to live for my children.
So they saved me. And I said, that is why they were here, because they were my reason to live. They were my reason to get away. And I'm grateful that I did when they were so young, so they don't remember any of the things that had happened. So that was the first part of healing. And I had to let go of the regrets that I had from that relationship and from staying. And then I had to go to the forgiveness, which was the hardest part, because I had to forgive myself and I had to forgive this other know. So it was something that I prayed for night and day, and I had to say, alicia, it's okay. You went through this, and you may feel like it's a mistake, but God has you on a bigger path and a bigger purpose, because how can you mentor and counsel people going through this if you had not lived it?
[00:13:06] Speaker A: That's a good point.
If I may.
I always said there's a reason why you're going through the path that you're going through, and that pathway is for you to go and go back and teach someone else, and so you can get the tools that you've learned. And I think that this is why I'm looking at what you are doing in the earth now and what you are saying where the tears behind the smile is, because I know Alicia. She is always smiling.
If you know her, she is always that gleam of joy when you see her, she's always smiling. And it's ironic that your book and your business is the tears behind the smile, because how many of us are smiling? And even when it comes down to the actors and the people in that way, they have that mass that they have the smiley mask, but then the one that the mass is upside down. Right. So when you look at your life now, if I may just add, this conversation is, what is the communication challenges that you have faced? Right. Because speaking your power is about the communication. Right. Navigating that abusive relationship. And how did you overcome that?
[00:14:35] Speaker B: So are you referring to during it or after?
[00:14:38] Speaker A: Either one, the challenges that you face, navigating the abuse or either getting out of it or in it. And how did you just overcome any part of it that will help the viewer? Okay.
[00:14:50] Speaker B: So going through it, the communication, for me, it was very hard because I understood what I was going through, but I was having a hard time processing to myself, why are you staying in this? Right. And again, I was very young, so I wasn't communicating my needs and that I needed help from other people.
So I was just all in my head. I was just all to myself. And this person who at the time was hurting me, so I couldn't really verbalize, like, listen, I need to get away from you because this is not good for me. I was still trying to fight for the relationship. I was still trying to fight for the person who I met when I was 16.
So once I was able to say, this isn't right, and I was able to say, alicia, this isn't healthy. You have to get out. So once I left, then when I got with my now husband, being able to communicate my fears and what I'd gone through, I was very closed, know, I was very closed into other people. It even took me a long time to communicate my full story and what had actually happened to me, because it was so many incidences. And as I started writing my book, which I'm still penning it, because it's reliving the trauma over and over and over, and more things just keep coming to me. But being able to communicate this affected me in this way was a challenge. It definitely was a challenge. But the more I talked about it and the more I got it out and the more I communicated with my husband and my family, I began to really heal and feel better. So I strongly encourage everyone, share your story. I always say, I'm not ashamed of anything I've gone through. These trials and tribulations were necessary so that I can communicate this. And I was very closed with my relationship now. I was very, like, I was ready just to let things go.
I was very like, okay, I'm over. If there was, like, an argument or a disagreement, if it was over bread, I said, okay, it's over. I'm done. And my husband's like, wait, you don't have to shut down. It's just a disagreement. We can work through this. Because I had told myself, moving forward, I won't let this happen again. I will never be in this situation. So I was very guarded.
[00:17:19] Speaker A: So what I'm hearing from what you're saying is that a supportive community is the main key here into getting out the information. People that you trust, people that won't do anything with that information, like harm you more with that information.
I hear also that you saw the red flags in the very beginning, but you still didn't stay. So let's just talk about the red flags that people may be experiencing, but they are normalizing it.
[00:17:56] Speaker B: Yes, red flags. Okay, so certain red flags. One, I always. How does the person communicate with you?
Are they a good communicator? When you try to tell them how you are feeling, are they shutting you down? Are they walking away from you? Are they stonewalling? Which is completely being oblivious to your feelings.
People don't realize that abuse doesn't have to be just physical, psychological, emotional, financial, spiritual. These are all forms of abuse. So the stonewalling, the ignoring you, that's a form of emotional abuse because they're not taking seriously what you're saying. Financial abuse. Is this person trying to control your money? Is this person taking money from you? And now let me correct that. I'm not saying that you're in a relationship and you share the bills and you go over the money and things that you have to pay for, but is this person saying, I'm taking your money, you can't use this, or I'm only giving you a little bit of allowance. I control the money where you have no access to anything. Right. That's a form of financial abuse. I've seen situations where a woman was making a lot of money and her significant other or husband was control of the finances, and then the person leaves her and takes all the money, and they have no idea where the money is, how much money is gone, and they're left with nothing. That's another form. So another thing, when it comes to the physical, that's clear as day. It may start as a grab. It may start as a pinch, a push something, and progressively, as you see it getting worse, it starts minimal, and the person will minimize what they've done to you. I didn't do it that bad. I didn't hit you that hard. At least I didn't leave a bruise on your face. Those are all minimizing the abuse that they're doing to you, name calling and putting you down, that is verbal abuse.
And if these are things where the person doesn't realize what they're doing to you, the person, again, is not willing to take ownership or apologize for what they're doing. More signs keeping you away from family and friends, isolating you, being controlling of every place you go and who you speak to. These are all forms of abuse. So people think the abuse has to be blatant, black eyed, blatantly getting beat up. Now, these are all little red flags. Now, you have to understand, in a relationship where there has to be respect as well.
So if your significant other is like, hey, just checking on you, making sure you're okay, that's not a form of abuse. Did you make it to your destination okay, or call me to check in to make sure, okay, that's not abuse. Again, abuse is about power and control.
So any way this person is trying to have control and power over you, your mindset and your emotions, those are all red flags.
[00:21:01] Speaker A: That's excellent. So, as we're moving through, and I hope this is helping many of you, because some can be subtle, like Dr. Lisa said, and some could be very blatant, but the thing is that you got to do a check in with self.
What am I feeling? And I think that's what Dr. Alicia was talking about, is that she was not feeling okay, and it was not okay. And some of us normalize the abuse. Some of us normalize it for different reasons because we're maybe not working, and then we're depending financially on that person or whatever the case may be, there are places out there, and I'm sure Dr. Alicia will share also. So I want to ask you now that you have found your voice in this area, in your lane, and seem like you're on your healing process and seem like you're always being an advocate for the relationships where abuse may be present.
Could you share some of the ways that you're using your voice now and your story to make a difference in people's lives?
[00:22:08] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely.
I participate in many speaking events. I've done online speaking events, in person speaking events. I've spoken at churches, at schools and colleges.
I do a lot of speaking, especially with young children, because it starts in teenagers.
[00:22:29] Speaker A: Wow.
[00:22:30] Speaker B: This generation of children is extremely different. They have the social media, they have the phones. So their form of control is through the phone.
So it starts at, I don't want you talking to this girl. I don't want you talking to this guy, why did you like this picture? Why did you follow this person?
[00:22:53] Speaker A: That's a good point, Alicia.
I think that a lot of parents need to hear that piece because we don't really know what's happening to phone. Please talk a little more about that. To that.
[00:23:06] Speaker B: Yes. So these children, and this is a form of control. You're young. You should be able to have friends respectfully. So they get mad with each other, their significant others, over liking a post, liking a post of someone. You shouldn't like that picture. Why are you following that girl? Why are you following this guy? And I have to explain, this is social media. Social people post and do things for likes and for followers, right? So to me, that's where the control starts, because, okay, you're controlling what I do on a phone, essentially a phone. What happens when I go into the workplace and I have male coworkers now, right?
What if I am a cop and I have male partners? What if I'm a doctor and I have male nurses or secretary or female nurses and secretaries? Are you going to get upset every time I speak to someone that you don't like in person? Because if you're getting mad over superficial people, but we don't even know if some of these people are real on social media, what happens next? When we get to the physical world or if I start working?
So then it trickles down and then it just will continue the cycle. And that's where a lot of the verbal and unhealthy communication comes in with these young people. Hence why they have poor communication and they don't know how to speak to one another. Very extreme. I hear the way these young kids curse each other out, the things they say, they have no respect, and it stems from just lack of being able to communicate and respecting each other, which trickles down to abuse, because now they always want to physically fight and they think it's okay.
So we have to watch that. That's why when I speak to high schoolers, I stress these things. And my college students, these are some of the things I stress to them and say, does this seem like it's healthy?
Is this healthy, going through these things?
So when speaking and empowering young people, I really stress and focus this.
[00:25:32] Speaker A: That comes to a space where I teach a lot about the types of communicator that you are, because it's very important to be an assertive communicator. However, we don't realize there's different forms of the passive communicator, the passive aggressive, the aggressor. And the assertive. So there's different forms of communicating where I teach in regards to where you would like to desire to be, and we all desire to be assertive, but sometimes we don't realize that we are aggressive or passive aggressive, where that passive aggressive may you keep taking and taking, then you blow up. Or how do you speak to someone? Because you control, because I believe when you attempt to control someone else, that's an insecurity within yourself.
So teaching, I think you are spot on with teaching the next generation, our children, how to communicate with others, because these phones have cut us off and technology has cut us off with verbalizing what we are feeling and being able to be self expressed. We get in front of someone, the children are not able to speak. So I think being able to have a conversation, not just on by text, is important because that is the way you can be self expressed in that. I know I went off on that because I love the fact that you're reaching the generation that's for our tomorrow, and the indicators is there, but they don't know how to express it in a very assertive way. And they may be aggressive or they may be passive aggressive. So I love the fact that you are now moving in that vein of understanding and reaching that generation, because that's important. Anything else you wanted to add before I ask my last question to you?
[00:27:38] Speaker B: I just want to add, when you're going through this, it may seem like there's a never end, but just be open and honest. And like Cheryl said, self check on how you're feeling in any relationship.
In any relationship.
And just know that with support, with love, with introspection, on yourself and how you're feeling, you can get through and conquer anything.
[00:28:04] Speaker A: Yeah, I know that you're doing some things, and thank you for coming on today, because the awareness that you've given and your impact and your ability to effectively communicate in this area is so important. So what are you doing now then? People can find you? And how are you moving in this community and your own practice? What are you doing and how can people find you?
[00:28:33] Speaker B: So you can find me on all social media platforms, LinkedIn, Instagram and Facebook at Dr. Alicia Delgado Gavin, I am currently doing speaking engagement, so if you would like to book me for a speaking engagement or discuss any upcoming speaking engagements again, please feel free to reach out to me on all social media platforms. I am available, and that's where I am right now.
[00:29:00] Speaker A: Good. And I know that we didn't touch it, but I want to ask you what kind of boundaries with healthy communication that you talked about. But what kind of boundaries someone can set in a relationship post cover, post recovery of abuse or anything like that, or if they may be going through that, what kind of boundaries can someone set and then possibly find a space to help them or someone that they can reach out to?
[00:29:29] Speaker B: Yes. So definitely being aware of what makes you uncomfortable and what makes you comfortable is definitely one way you can set boundaries. If you are in a place where someone is not making you feel the best, being comfortable to communicate how you're feeling and what your needs are, making your needs a priority is something that you can do to work on the communication moving forward. Even after you get out of an unhealthy relationship with the next person you're with, let them know from the beginning, like, these are my boundaries. This is what makes me comfortable, and this is what makes me uncomfortable. Come up with trigger words. Something. A word. If the person is maybe saying something or doing something that's getting you the feelings of feeling unsafe, come up with a trigger word to say. Okay, you could make the word marshmallow. So when you hear the word marshmallow in your relationship, you know, I'm making my partner upset. My partner is in an uncomfortable space. Let's take a beat. Let's take a moment back, and let's definitely reconvene after our emotions have come down a little bit.
[00:30:37] Speaker A: Oh, this is good. This is good. And I want you to please reach out to Dr. Lisa. She is a phenomenal human being. Let me just start there.
[00:30:49] Speaker B: Thank you.
[00:30:50] Speaker A: What her journey that she's been through, she understood her assignment and her assignment, and a lot of us don't understand the divine assignment that we are called to. And like I always say, I humble myself that I said, I'm just a girl from the Bronx. I learned a couple of tools along the way, and I'm here to share them with you. And that's very true because I haven't arrived and I'm still learning my tools. And as I learned them, I need a platform to share them. So I decided to create this platform of speak your power now and then bring people on to also share where they're empowering in their zone. See, you stay in your lane, right? Because your lane looks different.
And when you stay in your lane, you can be able to gather more people and help more people along your journey when you're driving in that lane.
[00:31:50] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:31:52] Speaker A: So I'm here to highlight women, people alike, human beings on this earth, whatever you may call yourself, it doesn't even matter.
It means that we're able to connect. And when you're able to connect with someone, I believe that that is the key. That is the key. That is the foundation of the meaning of speaking your power now. And when we look at this life, I want you to look at your life as someone that is here because you were destined to be here.
[00:32:29] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:32:30] Speaker A: I listened to Dr. Alicia talk about she found where she said, okay, I'm just going to latch onto my children because I couldn't find anything else to latch onto. So I'm going to latch onto my children and let that be my motivation. Until I get another motivation, whatever it is that you got to be, I want you to know that you're here for a reason.
So I want to thank you, Dr. Alicia, for coming on being a yes for this, because this is where you can begin to see that the opportunity that we all share is we're on this journey together. I just think when we don't see that, we don't see one another, that's when we go free of doing other stuff.
[00:33:21] Speaker B: Yes, absolutely.
[00:33:26] Speaker A: I want you to live intentional. So let me just say this at the end, as I end today. Thank you, Dr. Alicia, once again. And remember, go ahead and get in touch with her. Go ahead and subscribe, share. We're on all the social media platforms. Go ahead and share. And I'm so glad that you joined us from today. Join us for our next podcast as we're going to be going through our podcast. New second season is here and we're loving it. Well, thank you for tuning in to another empowering episode of Speak your Power now podcast. Remember, the power of communication is in your hands. Your journey doesn't end here. Stay connected with us on social media here, where we are going to continue the conversation. Don't forget to hit us up, subscribe, leave your review and share it with your friends. Together, we're going to build a community of confident communicators. Until next time. Remember, your life is defined by one single moment. Let that moment be today.
